Engineering to Kirk
by L122yTorch
Summary: Jim gets an unexpected "gift" from an alien species upon a routine diplomatic visit. But the "gift" leaves him reeling and reevaluating some very important life decisions. He tries to keep this internal dismay to himself - but fails.


There was an ache in Jim's chest that persisted days after it should have subsided.

He was trying his best to maintain his usual demeanor on the bridge, but Kirk's close friends knew…they could feel it…sense it…

Ever since Jim returned with the small landing party from Orcas IV, something had been different.

Bones insisted on running a battery of tests, which Jim allowed, without protest (which was odd). But he was fine.

The trip was routine, a peace-keeping mission with a friendly species. They were treated well, given lavish accommodations and delicious food…the whole ship envied the landing party.

It was nothing more than a short mission to maintain peace. What could have transpired that left the captain looking wistfully out the viewing screen, that kept his eyes on Spock for longer than necessary?

Yet, when Spock talked with Jim, the captain was curt and cool - cold almost. He seemed detached at his best and angry at his worst.

It was this concerning behavior that led Spock to Dr. McCoy one day - a week after the Enterprise had finished its mission on Orcas IV.

The doors swept open with a swoosh and closed behind the Vulcan who strode toward Bones.

The doctor looked up from the instrument in his hands. He was recalibrating it. Must've been a slow day in sick bay.

"I am concerned for the captain's well being," Spock said in a near whisper.

"Yeah, I know the feeling," Bones responded. "But I don't know what to tell you Spock. I've already asked him what's wrong and he won't tell me. I was going to come to you," he paused.

He seemed unsure of his words.

"I don't want you to feel obligated, but it would be nice if you could maybe…talk to Jim? See what's going on? You know, as his friend."

Spock gave a slight nod.

"How is he physically?"

"Perfectly fine," Bones said, shutting a tiny metal flap on the medical laser in his hands. He switched it on and off, and it worked.

"Maybe a little fatigued? But hardly anything serious."

"Thank you doctor," Spock offered. "I will speak with him tonight during our weekly chess game."

—

Spock waited for Jim in the recreation room, but his friend never came, so he picked up his PADD.

SPOCK: Captain, are you all right? You are not present for our weekly chess game.

KIRK:

SPOCK: Captain?

KIRK: Sorry Spock, I'm too tired tonight. Maybe next week.

—

For whatever reason, anger bloomed in Spock's chess. He knew that the captain wasn't tired. Well, maybe he was, but that wasn't why he was avoiding their interaction.

Spock rose from his seat and made his way down the sterile white corridors.

As an officer, he should leave his captain alone to rest - not questioning his excuse.

But as his friend, he desired answers. Which is why he found himself standing outside of Jim Kirk's quarters.

Surprisingly, Jim let him in.

"What is it Spock? An emergency I hope?"

"It is illogical to hope for an emergency."

Jim sighed. "That's not what I meant…never mind. Why are you here?"

"I am here because you have been acting odd lately captain," Spock said cooly, his head cocked slightly to the side. "Are you well?"

Jim's tongue darted out and moistened his lower lip as his eyes examined his first officer. Then he bit his lip, before abandoning the soft flesh to reply.

"I'm…" "Do not lie to me," Spock interrupted.

Damn, this must be serious if Spock just cut him off!

"I won't lie to you," he said more gently, taking a few steps over to his bed, he sat down on it's edge.

He hesitated and then started slowly.

"I uh…when we were down on Orcas IV…I was offered a "gift," Jim said, making little quotes with his fingers.

"And this gift has distressed you?" Spock said, stepping close.

"As you know the Orcans are telepathic…they possess skills and abilities that no other species we've found has exhibited," Jim rubbed a hand against the back of his neck.

"They offered to show me something, and not wanting to offend them, I let them."

"Did they harm you?" Spock's eyes were wide with a panic he would never admit to experiencing.

"No…no," Jim pacified. "But they showed me things from Spock's…Spock Prime's… timeline."

Jim's hands were now at his sides, grasping on to the edge of his bed.

"It just…"

Fuck. Why was this so hard?

"It was hard to see this life that wasn't mine. Well, I mean, it was mine, but it's not. And I've been letting it bother me this week, but don't worry about it Spock, I'll get over it."

The science officer came over to the edge of the bed and sat next to Jim. He wanted to ask a hundred questions, but the situation was like walking on a spring lake, thinly concealed beneath melting ice.

"Would you like to tell me what they showed you?"

He looked over at Jim and his warm brown eyes were just so fucking…gorgeous and curious and innocent in that moment. It made Jim's heart churn.

"Well," he gulped, "they showed me…"

What was he doing? Was he really going to tell Spock? What was he thinking?!

Sensing his hesitation, Spock said "it's all right captain, you do not need to tell me if you do not wish to." He moved as if to get up, but Jim's hand on his arm stopped him. So he stayed seated.

Jim's eyes were fixed on some distant point beyond his blue clothed chest. His ocean eyes were filled with longing, sadness, and hesitation. His lips were parted and his soul ached to just tell him, just tell Spock the truth.

His hand was still on Spock's forearm, but gliding toward the back of his hand. It rested there, tingling on the Vulcan flesh.

"Do you really want to know?" Jim asked. "Because…it could change things."

"Unless telling me would be harmful to our timeline, I do not see how telling me could be detrimental," Spock kept his voice even, despite the hot contact of their hands.

The only sound in the room was Jim's breathing and the ventilation system, pouring cold air into the space. If you listened close enough, you could probably even hear Kirk's heart race.

"They showed me a timeline where we…"

Damn, he was not doing well in the word department tonight. So he started again.

"They showed me a life where I had a good childhood and a father and… you."

"I am right here captain," Spock said, unsure of Jim's meaning and not wanting to read too much into the sparse collection of words.

Jim just shook his head back and forth slowly, and then moved closer to Spock, tilting his head, eyeing the Vulcan's lips. Spock was stone still, watching as Jim came closer still, closing the space between them and kissing him.

Jim's left hand came up to Spock's face, and his right hand maneuvered beneath Spock's so that their fingers touched.

Jim's mouth was warm and wet, his tongue swept into Spock's mouth and his teeth grazed at his lips. The sensations the act produced were fascinating. But it was the human kiss combined with the Vulcan kiss that sent Spock over the edge. His nerves were on fire.

As soon as his senses returned, Spock pulled back and looked at Jim in shock. He quickly recovered his facial features, but his pupils were still blown black.

He blinked multiple times, unsure of what to say or do.

"Where did you learn to kiss the Vulcan way?" Spock asked, bewildered. But Jim didn't answer the question directly.

"They showed me a life that wasn't mine," Jim continued, staring down into his own lap. "And it made me so angry, that it never could be mine," his voice faltered.

"I'm sorry Spock," he said, dropping his face into his hands. He was 99% certain that he had just ruined his relationship with his first officer.

When he brought his head out of his hands, he turned it away from Spock.

"And this is what you desire?" Spock queried. "To be romantically involved with me?"

So slightly it could barely be seen, Jim was rocking back and forward.

"I know that you're with Uhura," Jim said, facing away. There was a brokenness in his voice that made Spock's ribcage hurt.

"I never should have kissed you."

"Do you regret your actions?"

"Yes," Jim lied.

He felt a heavy hand on his shoulder and his head snapped back to Spock. Moisture gathered in the corners of his eyes and the area around the bright blue iris was becoming red.

"You said that you would not lie to me Jim, so I will ask you again. Do you regret your actions?"

Jim's jaw clenched and unclenched before he answered.

"No."

Spock's lips were parted with words that wouldn't come out. So Jim dissolved the silence.

"It was so real Spock. I know they were just showing me something in my mind…but it was so real. You and I. We were so real, so…complete, that when they snapped me back to reality, I wasn't ready. It was too much. Without you, I feel naked."

"You have me captain," Spock answered.

"Not in the way I want."

A very familiar buzz cut through the thick air between the pair of waiting lips.

"Captain Kirk," it was Scotty.

Jim got up, grateful that his back was to Spock as a tear rolled down his cheek. Quickly he dashed it away and answered the call.

"You are needed in the engineering bay captain," Scotty said. "For an engineering emergency?" "No sir, for a disciplinary matter." "I'll be right there," Jim said, "Kirk out."

He let his hand skim down the wall before it fell to his side.

"Spock, uh, I have to," he said over his shoulder, keeping his face to himself.

"It is okay captain, I will see myself out."

Jim nodded and then headed out the door.


End file.
